Grandparents can make family stories

QUESTION: I am a grandmother who is blessed to have 14 grandchildren. I often take care of them and love just having them over. However, I would like to do more for them than just baby-sit. What can I do to really make an impact on their lives?

DR. DOBSON: Grandparents can have a powerful influence on their grandchildren if they will take the time to invest in their lives. There is so much to be accomplished while they are young. One great contribution you can make is to preserve the heritage of your family by describing its history to your grandchildren and acquainting them with their ancestors.

The lyrics of an African folk song say that when an old person dies, it’s as if a library has burned down. It is true. There’s a richness of history in your memory of earlier days that will be lost if it isn’t passed on to the next generation.

To preserve this heritage, you should tell them true stories of days gone by. Share your faith, your early family experiences, the obstacles you overcame or the failures you suffered. Those recollections bring a family together and give it a sense of identity.

My great-grandmother, Nanny, helped raise me from babyhood. She was already old when I was born and lived to be nearly 100 years old. I loved for her to tell me tales about her early life on the frontier. A favorite story involved mountain lions that would prowl around her log cabin at night and attack the livestock. She could hear them growling and moving past her window as she lay in bed. Nanny’s father would try to shoot the cats or chase them away before they killed a pig or a goat.

I sat fascinated as this sweet lady described a world that had long since vanished. Her accounts of plains life helped open me to a love of history, a subject which fascinates me to this day.

The stories of your past, of your childhood, of your courtship with their grandfather, etc., can be treasures to your grandchildren. Unless you share those experiences with them, that part of their history will be gone forever. Take the time to make "yesterday" come alive for the kids in your family, and by all means, pass your faith along to the next generation.

QUESTION: My family lives together under one roof and we share the same last name, but we don’t "feel" like a family. How can I begin to put a sense of togetherness into this harried household? How do you put meaningful activities into your family?

DR. DOBSON: One way to accomplish that is by creating traditions in your home. By traditions I’m referring to those recurring events and behaviors that are anticipated, especially by children, as times of closeness and fellowship between loved ones.

In our family, the centerpiece of our holiday traditions is food. Each year during Thanksgiving and Christmas, the women prepare marvelous turkey dinners with all the trimmings. Another great favorite at that time is a fruit dish called ambrosia, containing sectioned oranges and grapes. The family peels the grapes together the night before the big day. These holidays are wonderful experiences for all of us. There’s laughter and warm family interaction throughout the day. We look forward to that festive season, not just for the food, but for what happens between loved ones who come together on that occasion.

There are many other traditions. Immediately prior to Thanksgiving dinner, each person is given two kernels of Indian corn to symbolize the blessings he or she is most thankful for that year. A basket is passed and every member drops in the corn while sharing their two richest blessings from God during that year. Our expressions of thankfulness inevitably involve people – children, grandparents and other loved ones. As the basket moves around the table, tears of appreciation and love are evident on many faces. It is one of the most beautiful moments of the year.

The great value of traditions is that they give a family sense of identity and belonging. All of us desperately need to feel that we’re not just part of a busy cluster of people living together in a house, but we’re a living, breathing family that’s conscious of our uniqueness, our character and our heritage. That feeling is the only antidote for the loneliness and isolation that characterize so many homes today.

James Dobson is a psychologist, author and president of Focus on the Family. © 2003 James Dobson Inc.